Children & Grief
Death is a natural event. Experts agree that children, even very young children, should not be shielded from the death of a loved one. Children have the capacity to recognize death as an event and the curiosity to ask questions about it. The general advice is to talk to the child simply and truthfully about the death in an age-appropriate manner.
Ask questions to determine what the child already knows about the situation. You may then explain the situation to them simply and honestly. For instance, you might say, “Grandma’s heart got too tired and stopped working, so she died.”
It is important to avoid giving answers that may confuse or frighten the child, such as, “Grandma went to sleep and is not going to wake up,” or “God took Grandma to be with the angels.” While these phrases are meant to comfort and soothe, the child may interpret them in a much more literal sense. For example, the child might develop a fear of going to sleep because the same thing might happen to them.
Allow the child to ask questions if they want, but do not pressure them if they don’t respond. A younger child may ask questions such as “Where is Grandma now?” or “Is my kitty in heaven?” Older children may comprehend the finality of death more fully and ask more abstract questions related to issues of faith, the meaning of life and more.
For any age group, stick with truthful, simple answers in terms the child can understand.
How do you explain the death of a loved one to a child?
The age and emotional development of a child will influence the way they experience grief. Below is a general guide to how children may understand and respond to grief at different ages.
Ages 2 to 7
Up to seven years of age, children see death mainly as a separation event. This might cause them to feel abandoned and scared. They might fear being alone and not want to sleep alone at night or go to school.
Because children this young are usually not skilled at verbally expressing their feelings, they may “act out” instead through behaviors such as temper tantrums, refusing to obey adults or creating an imaginary life accompanied by role-playing. Other behaviors, usually manifested by children between the ages of 2 and 5, may include eating, sleeping, toileting or bed-wetting problems. Very young children under the age of 2 may suddenly refuse to talk and become more irritable in general.
Ages 7 to 12
Children in this age group have begun to understand death as a permanent event. They might regard death as a more personal threat to their individual safety, develop a fear of dying themselves, or resort to “preventive” behaviors to “protect” themselves from death, such as aligning themselves with someone they think can protect them or focusing on being “brave” or being “good.” Others may withdraw socially and/or emotionally from others.
Symptoms may include problems concentrating on schoolwork, trouble following directions and difficulty performing daily tasks.
Teens
While teenagers understand and perceive death in closely the same way as adults, they might express their grief differently. They might react in more dramatic ways or adopt reckless behaviors in an attempt to “defy” death. Reckless driving, smoking, drinking alcohol, taking illegal drugs or having unprotected sex may all be forms of “acting out” their anxieties and feelings of grief.
Thoughts of suicide may sometimes be present in a teen having trouble processing loss. Warning signs of suicide in children and teens may include a preoccupation with death, having thoughts of suicide or openly talking about suicide, or giving away belongings.
Parents of teens who have lost a loved one should be aware of any changes in their child’s behavior and should seek professional counseling immediately if they feel their child may be in danger.