The Grieving Process
Every person is unique in how he or she handles the loss of a loved one. While the grieving process is different for each of us, we all experience some common feelings as we work toward healing.
Our responses to the different feelings that occur during grief are often described as “stages.” These stages are not tied to “real-time,” and people do not necessarily move through them in an orderly, straightforward manner. Stages can last for minutes or hours. It is not unusual to move into and out of one stage and then to another, and cycle back again to the first one. You may find yourself repeating this process a number of times as you continue to work through your grief.
Many people experience five commonly observed stages during grief. These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
At the beginning, you may feel a sense of detachment, shock or numbness. You might even wonder why you are not more upset over your loss. This feeling of disconnection is a survival response. It is simply nature’s way of helping you continue to function on a basic level while under extreme stress. Denial is a tool that unconsciously enables you to do the things that are necessary to carry on with your life in the days immediately following your loss.
Anger provides a bridge of connection from the initial numbness of grief. You may find yourself angry at the doctors, your family, the loved one who died or at God. Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Your anger is connected to your pain. The more you truly allow yourself to feel your anger alongside the pain, the more it will diminish, and the more you will heal.
Before and after a loss, you might feel like you would've done anything if only your loved one would be spared. “If only” and “what if” can become recurring thoughts. Guilt often accompanies bargaining. You may wonder if you could have done anything differently so that your loved one might still be alive. You might try to second-guess the doctors and yourself. You may revert to living in the past to avoid the pain of the present.
After bargaining, feelings of emptiness and grief often present themselves on a deeper level. This depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is an appropriate response to a great loss. When a loss fully settles in your soul, and you realize that your loved one is not coming back, feelings of deep sadness (depression) are normal. Not experiencing depression after a loved one dies would be very unusual. Depression can be a necessary step toward healing.
Eventually, you come to terms with your bereavement as you move into the acceptance stage of grief. At this point, the loss has become part of your story and your history. It does not consume your life in the same way it did in the beginning. With acceptance comes increased peace. As you move through this stage, you might find yourself once more interested in and able to enjoy some of the things you formerly liked to do. You may develop new interests and relationships. You have learned to live with your loss in a way that is constructive and healing.
How long am I going to feel this way?
Every person is different, and so is their grief. Each person will follow a different path toward healing. Although there is no right or wrong amount of time to complete the grieving process, many experts agree it is not unusual to take at least a year to move through grief.
What is complicated grief?
Complicated grief is when grief feels intense, prolonged or difficult to manage, and begins to interfere with everyday life. The duration of the mourning process can be influenced by your relationship to the deceased, the amount of support you receive and other factors.
Sometimes the healing process may become disrupted or delayed if other events or traumatic losses have previously occurred in a person’s life. This may be especially true if the other loss is relatively recent or has never been fully processed. This grief experience is known as “complicated grief.” People who are dealing with this type of grief might benefit from working with professionals trained in complex grief issues.
If, after some time has passed, you find your grief is still persistent and disruptive to the point where it impacts your daily functioning, please seek professional counseling.
If you have questions or need immediate support, Roberts-Martinez Funeral Home in Haltom City, Texas, is here to help.